I’m Not Who I Wanted to Be (a thank you)

I’m fifty years old.

And I’m not at all who I wanted to be.

Some of you helped to point that out.


I had been bracing myself, even giving myself permission to feel slightly depressed on my birthday. After all, I was turning fifty…and I’m not the person I expected I would be at this point in my life.

 If you’d asked me thirty-two years ago, when I was a young high school graduate, what my plans were, I probably would have waxed eloquent (’cause even then I loved words:)  ) about an Air Force Career and perhaps life as a reclusive writer. A quiet, independent, self-sufficient life, with a few degrees under my belt.

Uh yeah.

I mean, uh no.

Not even close.

There is no career, no degrees, no quiet, and man, I am anything BUT self-sufficient.

So I thought I might have to just entertain the idea of a private pity party on such a momentous occasion as reaching a half century without becoming the person I (thought I) wanted to be.


Apparently, some weeks prior, as many of you know, my daughter hacked into my blog.

Okay, okay, hacked into my blog is the wrong term she informed me. She went to my house, logged onto my computer and – because I didn’t even know you are supposed to log out and so I never have – posted a little snippet on my blog,  and left it there for a couple of hours while I was at work. Something to the effect that she was planning a surprise for my birthday and if anyone wanted to participate they could e-mail her.

The post was only up for a few hours but a number of you responded and learned that she was putting together a book for me and wanted to include messages and words of encouragement from people who are special to me. Thank you for your notes!  She presented the book at a birthday party held in my honor and of course I cried in front of a whole bunch of people. It meant a lot to me. It means a lot to me.

She also told you about a writer’s conference they wanted to send me and the HH to – a writers’ conference that I’ve wanted to go to but could never quite afford. They were raising funds for that, she shared – and with some of your help, within just a few days the trip was paid for.  I can’t even describe how excited I am and how grateful I am. Thank you, thank you, thank you.  (Hey, is anyone else going to the Write His Answer Conference in Colorado in May? It’d be fun to meet up:)  )


Besides gifting me with such a thoughtful and precious book, and sending me to the Writer’s Conference, you, along with my family and friends, kinda put a nix to my pity party.

Because I realized through the notes and messages, even though I am not at all the person I wanted to be, I AM the person I wanted.

The person I wanted in MY life when I was that 18 year old, messed up high school graduate.

I wanted someone who would care, and would listen, and would counsel, and would love me, and would tell me if i was heading in a dangerous direction…someone who would be there for me no matter what. And I didn’t know it then, but it would have been nice to have someone praying for me.

I don’t have an Air Force Career to look back on (I managed one four year stint…but was pregnant with my second of six children by that time.)  and I’m not the reclusive writer I thought I’d be. Instead, my life is filled with noise and messes and people. Lots and lots of people. Who bless my life beyond measure. So, yeah, if I measure my life by personal accomplishments it will look pretty pitiful. But if I measure it by the wonderful people who love and bless me, the scales would break under all the weight. And I bow my knees in gratitude.

We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps  Proverbs 16:9

Sometimes you just have to shout hallelujah to that.

Thanks for helping to point that out.  And for making fifty a pretty wonderful age to be. You guys are amazing.  Did I say thank you?  :)

(I still have a few more notes to send out in the mail…Margaret who sent the extra coffee money❤❤❤   Want to e-mail your last name so I’m sure who I’m sending the note to? I couldn’t read it on the envelope. And Dawn…the HH got a little worried when I was reading your letter because I was crying so much! I loved it!  Thank you, thank you. A response is coming in the mail…I’m just notoriously slow…)

My daughter did a lovely job decorating for the party, and she managed to do all of this with three kids under the age of three! (She said she had lots of help.) She made my favorite dessert – white chocolate raspberry cheesecakes!  And my sister-in-law made the awesome cake. I love all of the pages in the book, but my husband’s is my very favorite because…well…he’s known me the longest and has been my biggest fan:) The last picture…well…that’s just an updated photo of The Miniature Clay Pot:)

Once again…thanks to those who received Alyssa’s post via my blog, and participated. I am ever so grateful. I sure would appreciate prayers for the conference itself – I need to choose the sessions I’m going to sign up for…like yesterday…and I’m not certain which direction to take. Thanks.  I am gonna try to get back into posting somewhat regularly on the blog so I’ll be in practice with writing again.

Grateful for this wonderful life,

Marie with a:)